a mother's love knows no bounds........

salem's story

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What would happen?

2002-01-27 12:04 a.m.

"What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open." Muriel Rukeyser

What would happen? I share a lot here. I vent and rant and cry and rejoice. My secret really innermost thoughts I seldom voice and if I do it's in a private locked diary that no one knows of. Why is that? It's as if it's a secret life. As if I am afraid of what people would really think if they knew my thoughts.

And boy do my thoughts run wild. I call them mind movies. I make scenarios of what could happen if this happen and sometimes its a grotesque scenario. Sometimes I am so tired of fighting the enemy of my past that I want to let go and give in. I don't, but the thoughts are there. They are constantly rewinding and replaying in my mind movies. We move on and we become stronger but we never truly forget or completely move on. At least that's been my experience. If that's not the norm then I am seriously missing something.

And because I am a christian I am even more afraid to totally share how I am feeling. God knows and when these thoughts happen through my mind I know he knows. And I feel comfort that he loves me anyway.

But what would happen if my thoughts were spoken here or to someone? Would people freak and leave or patronize me into never wanting to share again? That's happened in the past time and time again. I definitely don't want that again.

So you know what this has helped me discover about myself today? That I am not as strong and brave as I want to be nor as strong and brave as people perceive me to be. Bravery isn't always all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it's just a self-defense mechanism.

October 11, 2006 - 2006-10-11
Back from Vacation - 2006-07-18
July 3, 2006 - 2006-07-04
Parenting is Hard - 2006-06-30
Update June 23, 2006 - 2006-06-23