I have many issues and that's the main reason I am going to write here. Sometimes I think writing it all out is just cathartic. It helps me vent and let go. I used to journal religiously but got out of the habit.

I sometimes think life is just too overwhelming. Just when something goes well the roof caves in yet again. Brian only has 3 semesters left in school (Thank God). Our car broke down yet again! This time it will cost $1100 to fix. That's going to come out of my IVF money. :( But we are determined to go ahead with IVF. Brian is working a lot of valet jobs through the end of the year and I went today and put some applications in at Walmart and a few places.

I don't want to work more but I will if it means losing IVF or not. I just really need to do this. I try so hard to be strong on the outside but it hurts like hell knowing that my body must hate me. Nothing we have tried in 3 years (3 years this month) has worked. It's overwhelming. I want to believe if somehow, unbelievably somehow, that IVF doesn't work I will be able to let go. The I will be able to let go cause I will have done all I can. I hope I can. I can't do this forever. The adoption options are slim and I just really need this chance.

God I pray to you every night and I try to not concentrate on my prayers in this area. I have prayed the right scriptures and spoken in faith and had many brothers and sisters stand in agreement with us. Then late last year I began praying for specific people to get pregnant. They both did within a couple of months. I will continue to do so, but please put it on someone's heart to pray for us. I want to be a mommy. Brian is already an awesome dad and Korie is wonderful but I will never be her mom. She has a mom.

God please hear me!

Work is tough. Lotsa changes. I am learning a lot but a bit snowed under. Between that, Grannie being in the hospital and all the regular stuff in between I have no time for nothing. Everytime I try to answer email or phone calls or just play at TW I get sidetracked.

Well I am tired and need to hit the bed.