I know it's harder for me cause I carried that baby. So I bonded with that baby. I gave birth to Angel and I touched them and said goodbye. Brian didn't want to - though he regrets that now. So it's very real to me.

I miss Brynna as well. Salem's identical that died at 10 weeks in utero but to be honest as sad as I am I think I could have handled all this a lot better if we had just lost Brynna. It was sad and I always wonder if Salem will "miss" her (you know that undefineable connection between identicals) but I think it would have been so much easier than carrying a deceased baby inside me for 14 weeks. It's morbid to think about it much less than to say it outloud.

And of course I say very little IRL. Most people don't understand. Heck I don't sometimes. But I just miss them. I miss them. And I just wish people IRL would acknowledge them and my loss and my hurt. Geez.

I have so much joy with Salem. I don't regret a think. If I had to lose the two all over again just for her to be here I would accept that. She's wonderful. But I am a mommy to more than one child.The other two are just in heaven and so my heart is heavy. I wonder what it would have been like to see three run around - especially the thought of two identical curly haired monsterettes!

Is it always going to hurt this bad?