The funeral brought something else out. A fear I have. Brian and I have been arguing lately and all I can keep thinking of is how many families argued the night before or the morning of the attacks. So I am terrified that somethings going to happen to him and he won't know how much I love him. I know it's totally irrational but I feel that way deeply.

Anyway I think I am nuts cause during the funeral I kept thinking of how miserable I would be if Brian died especially if we had fought. How heart wrenching it would be even if I knew he was in heaven. So I start imagining this horrid funeral. I don't know why I think things like that. I have such a morbid imagination. I finally got that under control and we left the church service and it had already been an hour and a half. So I asked Brian if he would mind riding to the ceremony with a friend of ours since I had been away from work so long. I really needed to get back due to the virus outbreak.

So he got mad. He yanked opened the door and said goodbye and I couldn't hold the tears anymore. I just got hysterical crying and he opened the door and asked me why I was crying! HELLO! So I try to tell him and he laughs me off (I HATE being laughed at - a long story) and tells me he can't talk about this now.

So here I sit bawling and hysterical and now imagining again something horrid happening to him after something like this.

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with us? I want my Bri back. The lovebug who writes me post it notes and calls me 10 times a day. The one who can't stop touching me and loving on me and showing me he cares.

I want to rewind and go back in time a few months. Perhaps then I could see if I did something to start all this and maybe I could change it.

But I can't think of anything. All I see is a husband who is stressed and tired and has no time for me but time for the rest of the world. Even when I worked two jobs for two years I wasn't this bad. Occasionally on a bad day but not day in and day out. But I can't ask him to quit since I no longer have a second job. We need the money.

I don't see a way for this situation to get better unless I get a second job so he can quit. I guess I just handle stress better I don't know.

God help me. I need you.