Progress Notes Beginning 10-12

Symptoms: Backaches, headaches, snappy attitude, quick to anger, sore joiunts, unable to sleep well, not wanting to wake up, quick to cry, dislike sex.

Reason to Change: Main reason is to be a mom. I have to admit that. And I am beginning to realize how much stress may be affecting me. But I am also unhappy in many other areas. I want to be happier. I want to feel better about myself. I want to be a better wife and a better employee. I want to be at peace and to totally feel better.

Current Treatments/Medications:

No IF treatments right now. I am taking serzone and some herbal/vitamin supplements.

Weekly M&B Journal Entry:

I did poorly this week. I ate horribly, didn't do a single R & R til today and got stressed to the max. So week one was a flop.

But today is the day to a new week. I did one R & R today. I sat on the couch and meditated and prayed and worked on relaxing my body. I did this will listening to a Yanni CD. Brian came home during the middle of it and I asked him to rub down my body real well. He feel asleep. I felt angry and wanted to tell him but I didn't. I am proud of myself. Maybe this is something I need to do on my own. I am going to call around for info on a massage therapist tomorrow and see if I can afford it. I do think that will help.

Thoughts From This Week:

Me now: Overweight, unhappy, I don't know who I am, infertile, angry, bitter to a degree, opinionated, tired, stressed, I hurt all over, dislike sex.

Who I want to be: Thinner, happier, peaceful, pregnant or able to let go and move on, to be slow to anger, peaceful thoughts, no headaches, no tightness in my neck, a joy to be around. I also want to orgasm. A really nice big orgasm like the ones my friends talk about. I don't just hate sex but even when it's comfortable and I am excited I don't O.

In my M & B book it said to write down 10 things I love to do. And the idea was to analyze when I last did them, if it's a solitary/joint thing, if it's healthy or unhealty etc.

1. Movies - I haven't been to a theatre since Summer of 01. I like going with Brian (or not by myself). In the past and the future I can see this as a relaxing event. It is not a risk to my physical or emotional health. I think Brian would approve if it weren't for monetary reasons.

2. Internet - I am on the Internet all the time. It's my escape. Sometimes I may be on it too much since it's a solitary activity. If I continue to escape into it, I can see it being unhealthy in certain areas as I need to learn how to cultivate in person relationships. I should cut back the time in general to where it's a joy rather than a responsibility only (TW). I LOVE TW but it has been stressful lately where I think of it off and on all day. I need to work on this. I think Brian thinks I spend too much time online. But I try not to be online when he's home whether we spend time together or not.

3. Scuba Diving - I LOVE it but it's been since 93 that I went. I need a partner for safety reasons and I think Brian would approve.

4. Reading - I used to LOVE to read. It's been since May. I like to escape into the books. It could be a good release if I keep it in balance. Brian would approve to a degree. He would rather I read Christian material. Sometimes I just want good fiction though.

5. Food - I eat way too much when I am depressed. I had been doing WW and have fallen off the wagon. I plan to get back on and journal here starting tomorrow. It's my weakness. That's why I am overweight. I have lost 29 pounds but it should be 40 by now. I think if I lose weight I will feel better about myself and will literally feel better. Brian would definitely approve.

I can't think of 5 other things. Sad huh? I will work on that and repost an entry at some point.

In a brief synopsis, what will bring me life fullfillment? I don't know. I would like to think being a mom would. I don't remember being this unhappy before ttc and IF. I remember feeling easygoing and lovable and more considerate. Now all I think about is my pain and what I am incapable of having at this point. I am working on that. I want to be a mom. I think God's word promises I will be a mom (Psalms 113:9) but I need to become whole and be able to let go as well. I am not at that point yet.

Long Term Goals:

1. To be a mom

2. To be a better Christian

3. To be more dependable and more disciplined

4. To be a sahm

5. To be a better wife - to be more encouraging.

6. To lose 40 more pounds and keep it off.

Short Term Goals:

Long term I want to lose at least 40 pounds and keep it off. Short ter, I want tTo lose weight and stay on WW faithfully and to exercise. Expected date of reaching goal: January 2002. Readiness to Change: I need this. It will make me feel better.

I will start by:

1. Getting back on WW on Monday 10-22 and counting my points.

2. Exercise 3 times the first week and gradually more.

3. Drinking my water.

4. Doing my R&R's.

5. Watch sugar and carbonated soda intake. One soda a day for now and eventually get rid of that. One soda is just 3 points so that's a good starting point.

6. Try to figure out what triggers me to overeat at times. Some of it is just discipline. Learning to drink water or diet over a real soda.

7. Doing my R&R's.

8. Writing in my diary.

Positive Things In My Life:

1. Brian. Depsite our fussing I know he loves me completely. I need to focus on that rather than what I dislike.

2. My job. It's a blessing in more ways than one.

3. My furbabies. Especially Cali. She brings unexpected and simple joy to my life.

4. Jesus. Even though I am a poor daughter he loves me anyway. I hang on to that as motivation to serve him better.

I make a commitment to myself to work on my M & B Book and to lose weight and to take my serzone and vitamins on a regular basis in an effort to feel better, to heal physically and emotionally and to learn to loce myself. Mini Goal date - January 2002. I also commit to doing at least 1 (usually 2) R&R's a day.