a mother's love knows no bounds........

salem's story

prev next

Will it always hurt?

2004-05-28 1:52 a.m.

The anniversary of the day the other baby died (the day we found out) is coming up! :( I am sad often - but just the idea of this day saddens me more. It doesn't help that last year Brian and my mom flubbed the balloon release and all. And I know Brian won't remember to buy balloons to release so I will. :( But I wish he would remember without me telling him to.

I know it's harder for me cause I carried that baby. So I bonded with that baby. I gave birth to Angel and I touched them and said goodbye. Brian didn't want to - though he regrets that now. So it's very real to me.

I miss Brynna as well. Salem's identical that died at 10 weeks in utero but to be honest as sad as I am I think I could have handled all this a lot better if we had just lost Brynna. It was sad and I always wonder if Salem will "miss" her (you know that undefineable connection between identicals) but I think it would have been so much easier than carrying a deceased baby inside me for 14 weeks. It's morbid to think about it much less than to say it outloud.

And of course I say very little IRL. Most people don't understand. Heck I don't sometimes. But I just miss them. I miss them. And I just wish people IRL would acknowledge them and my loss and my hurt. Geez.

I have so much joy with Salem. I don't regret a think. If I had to lose the two all over again just for her to be here I would accept that. She's wonderful. But I am a mommy to more than one child.The other two are just in heaven and so my heart is heavy. I wonder what it would have been like to see three run around - especially the thought of two identical curly haired monsterettes!

Is it always going to hurt this bad?

October 11, 2006 - 2006-10-11
Back from Vacation - 2006-07-18
July 3, 2006 - 2006-07-04
Parenting is Hard - 2006-06-30
Update June 23, 2006 - 2006-06-23