An online friend who has had a similar loss except with identical twins (thus a specific cause of them being in the same sack) told me she had a hardtime sleeping at nights. Once I get to sleep I do well. Then I have to force myself to go to bed. I have a check on Thursday and will schedule the next maternal fetal specialist appt. Basically I will be going to my local Dr. once a week to check and make sure my cervix stays closed and to check her heartbeat. I will see the specialist once or twice a month and start NTS tests in week 26.

The good thing about the specialist visits is they have an office here that they come to a few times a month so hopefully the long drives are out (as long as there are no emergencies).

Brian's daughter is here for summer vacation. She's only 11 and she said to me man Salem must really be a strong girl to go through all this. That made me cry. But of course everything does. I either cry or get extremely pissed. There hasn't been a medium the last couple of days.

So because I can't sleep I gravitate torwards the computer. I am tired of the TV. I need to go to the library and find some books. But for now it's the computer. I have been surfing in the wee hours for a few nights but I can't find a lot to say. I want to scream and rant and rave and cry and I just can't. I simply can't find words that make sense to the rambling thoughts in my mind.

One moment I am SO eternally thankful Salem is ok and the next I am just pissed off at the world. Both babies should be fine. All three babies should be fine. This should NOT be happening.

Sometimes I really just wish this could be a horrid nightmare. But it's not. It's not going to go away. And even though I am so thankful Salem is well and I can feel her move and that gives me so much peace my loss still hurts so much. Sometimes more than I think I can bare.

And in the paraphrased words of Mother Theresa:

"God won't allow us to be tempted more than we can bare. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

I need some sleep. I wonder why it's easier to sleep during the day? The night seems so much lonelier and longer.Here is a WONDERFUL pic of Salem I was given last week. I have spent tonight working on it.