I don't resent it but I do get jealous. I just miss not knowing what it's actually like. Does that even make sense? Sometimes it doesn't even to me.

It's just everytime Salem does something cute or tries to get to a toy or smiles at me or coos I sometimes think - I should have 2 babies do this. Technically three - but for some reason it's easier to let go of the first baby cause they died so early. It's a lot harder to let go cause I delivered Angel.

And actually I feel silly sometimes for feeling this way because I have SO much to be thankful for but then I remember it's not even been 6 months since their birth so it's natural I am grieving but still. Geez - I don't know. I am just rambling at this point.

I've just been in a super funk lately. I don't know what to think. I joined a group on line called Limbo (Loss in multiple birth organization). For me it helped a lot at first but right now the email list is just really depressing. I feel for these ladies but the majority of them are still actively grieving even many years later. I don't want Salem to be three year's old and me still feeling like this. I have to find a way to grieve and move on. And there is one lady in my local MOTC but she is still actively grieving too.

So I really need to find someone who is in a later stage of the grieving process. I tried a group at the hospital but it was for mc'es and stillbirths and to be honest I didn't feel welcomed. I know this sounds odd but to people not in my situation they don't understand why I am grieving. I do have a baby. I should be happy. At least that's what I've been told or that's the feeling I get from people. :(

It's just really a bizarre and sad position to be in. Sometimes my DH doesn't even get it. He grieves but it seemed easier for him to move on. Maybe it's cause I carried Angel to birth and saw the baby and touched the baby. I can still see Angel in my mind's eye. Brian never saw anything but the pictures. I saw my baby up close.

Then I look at Salem and remember that we also lost her identical twin and how precious it would have been to have two gorgeous identical girls and then I just get sad. I know I need to start journalling my feelings again.

Oh I also wanted to share that last Thursday was my 35th bday! EEK!. I had a nice day. Brian really spoiled me. He actually blindfolded me and took me to a Day Spa and then left with Salem. I had a foot massage then a wonderful pedicure and parafin wax. It felt SO good. Then I had my hair done and she did a scalp massage while washing it. It was ALMOST orgasmic. I have to teach Brian that! It's shorter and has caramel colored highlights. Hopefully VERY easy to take care of.

Then I had a facial and makeover. I wore plum eye shadow and lipstick (I seldom wear eye shadow but the plum was pretty) and my mom and sister contributed a cute new outfit and jewelry. I felt SO pretty and spoiled.

Then we went to dinner and had Fajitas and margaritas (well Brian had a Colorado Bull Dog). Then home. It was REALLY nice. He also got me some Cucumber Melon stuff from Bath and Body! It was a really nice day. It did wash a lot of the blues away.