I cannot watch the news coverage without crying. We haven't found a single survivor in a week. Over 5500 people whose families and friends are devasted. I keep thinking of Brian and how lost I would be without him. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

And here I am preparing to do IVF to have a baby. Am I insane? With what this world is coming to am I just being totally selfish? Or can my child bring some glory and light to an evergrowing dismal world? I just can't give up this dream of motherhood. Still not yet - even in the wake of such a tragedy. I still yearn for my child. I miss him even though I've never really met him. I miss the idea of him and the thought of him. Am I going nuts missing something I've never had? Ugh! This is a questioning day where nothing makes sense.

Yesterday a dear sweet prayer warrior from church died. She was 94 and blind and the only family she has is a sister. Brian and a couple of ladies were with her when she died. She was smiling and was so ready to meet Jesus. I am so thankful she is out of her misery. She has wanted to go home for so long.

God - am I destined to be separated from real friends in real life? It seems as if I am slaved to the computer day in and day out cause my friends are there. I have some friends IRL but they are all moms and I think I make them uncomfortable rather than vice versa. If I can deal with it why can't they? But they don't so I delve deeper and deeper into TW and email and now this diary as a place to find solace and kinship. A place to be a friend and find a friend. That doesn't seem normal but I guess for me it is. But God - it would be so nice to have a friend to pal around with. Someone to lol with and joke with and talk about things that I simply can't talk to Brian about even though we talk about a lot. Is it me? Am I deluding myself? Is there something unloveable about me?