On a good note - youth pastoring is doing wonderful in most aspects. It's like it is a wonderful way to be a surrogate mom for a childless women. We have a 16 year old girl staying with us while her mom is out of town and it's been so much fun. I really regret not being able to adopt. I would be so satisfied with adoption - even an older child. Of course I want to experience pregnancy and BF and raise a child from baby hood, but that may not be my reality as I am nearing the end of my ttc journey. And adoption may not be a part of our future either and I wish it were. I've realized that being a mom will last forever - being pregnant lasts for 9 months.

Like I was saying, my mothering instincts keep coming out with the youth group. Especially last night (again read my previous entry) - As I was praying for T. I began to stroke her hair and croon words of prayerful encouragment while Brian prayed and it all seemed so right. She just kinda leaned into me and relaxed and it was if I was meant to be there for her at this time. Sigh! It's blissful to be there for them! But it's not everything I want. I want to be a mom in all ways. But I am blessed and I am trying to remember that. Thank you God for helping me help others. Right now that is the best therapy for me.

My ellusive remembrances have stopped and I am not going to force myself to remember. I try to realize that I don't remember for a reason. KWIM? Maybe I don't need to know. Maybe it would send me spiraling down where I was about 7 years ago which had some serious consequences. I don't want that.