Well Brian and I went to a funeral this morning. In the car on the way he apologized for being an "asshole" this morning (his words) and we talked briefly in the five minute drive to church.
The funeral brought something else out. A fear I have. Brian and I have been arguing lately and all I can keep thinking of is how many families argued the night before or the morning of the attacks. So I am terrified that somethings going to happen to him and he won't know how much I love him. I know it's totally irrational but I feel that way deeply.
Anyway I think I am nuts cause during the funeral I kept thinking of how miserable I would be if Brian died especially if we had fought. How heart wrenching it would be even if I knew he was in heaven. So I start imagining this horrid funeral. I don't know why I think things like that. I have such a morbid imagination. I finally got that under control and we left the church service and it had already been an hour and a half. So I asked Brian if he would mind riding to the ceremony with a friend of ours since I had been away from work so long. I really needed to get back due to the virus outbreak.
So he got mad. He yanked opened the door and said goodbye and I couldn't hold the tears anymore. I just got hysterical crying and he opened the door and asked me why I was crying! HELLO! So I try to tell him and he laughs me off (I HATE being laughed at - a long story) and tells me he can't talk about this now.
So here I sit bawling and hysterical and now imagining again something horrid happening to him after something like this.
What is wrong with me? What is wrong with us? I want my Bri back. The lovebug who writes me post it notes and calls me 10 times a day. The one who can't stop touching me and loving on me and showing me he cares.
I want to rewind and go back in time a few months. Perhaps then I could see if I did something to start all this and maybe I could change it.
But I can't think of anything. All I see is a husband who is stressed and tired and has no time for me but time for the rest of the world. Even when I worked two jobs for two years I wasn't this bad. Occasionally on a bad day but not day in and day out. But I can't ask him to quit since I no longer have a second job. We need the money.
I don't see a way for this situation to get better unless I get a second job so he can quit. I guess I just handle stress better I don't know.
God help me. I need you.October 11, 2006 - 2006-10-11
Back from Vacation - 2006-07-18
July 3, 2006 - 2006-07-04
Parenting is Hard - 2006-06-30
Update June 23, 2006 - 2006-06-23