a mother's love knows no bounds........

salem's story

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BOB is tormenting me

2001-09-07 2:01 p.m.

Talk about baby brain today - also what I call BOBBING (baby on brain). I am still about 3 months away before even starting BCP for IVF and I am nervewracked. Why must this be so hard?

Sometimes I handle things really well and other times (like today) things just suck.

I mailed 3 baby gifts this week, I have one to mail next week and one to go buy.

2 of those ladies did go through IF. My heart goes out to them. One got pregnant with twins on her first IVF and the other had a stillborn baby at 42 weeks and had repeated problems with MC's. I am soooo truly happy for them. But my heart still breaks.

I've know 3 ladies get pregnant with twins on their first IVF. But I've know 2 ladies who are now on IVF #4 and one who took 3.

So I am scared. Am I doing the right thing? I don't think I can not do it. I think if I do I will always wonder what if. I can't adopt in the best of circumstances, the Dr. said IUI's were a waste of time. I've already had 3 failed ones.

UGH! I hate all this. How can I miss someone I've never known? But I do. Brian my DH says God showed him we will have a boy. I don't tell a lot of people that cause they look at me like I'm crazy. But I have no reason to disbelieve him and his dream gives me hope. We've named him Caden Samuel Lee.

Caden means strong warrior

Samuel means God heard

and Lee is Brian's middle name and means healer

So I think of our future child as Caden! I talk to him and think of what life will be like when he gets here.

We have his room all thought out and it's just such a warm feelings.

But am I nuts to think of him this way? Sometimes I wonder.

The serzone is helping with my depression. I still get in a doozy of a mood sometimes but it gets better.

Anyway - I guess that's all for now.

October 11, 2006 - 2006-10-11
Back from Vacation - 2006-07-18
July 3, 2006 - 2006-07-04
Parenting is Hard - 2006-06-30
Update June 23, 2006 - 2006-06-23