a mother's love knows no bounds........

salem's story

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Normal To My Circumstance

2001-10-24 9:17 p.m.

Why is relaxing so hard? It sure is a lot easier to freak out and get upset and get angry. But just to sit and do an RR intimidates the crud outta me. I guess cause I have never felt it totally. Never been totally relaxed or at ease. But I will get there. Today was a prime example. I decided to check out this site called IVF Connections.

It's a community of those who have and are undergoing IVF. And of course I read the stories! Everyone's personal success stories and one story of a woman who let go of her dream. And of lot of their stories weren't those of success on the first one. That simply terrifies me. So as I begin to almost cry (at work - thank God I have an office so I am not always on display) and think who am I kidding. This isn't going to work the first time. I'm stupid to spend this money, blah blah. And another voice in my mind says wait, stop thinking, relax and I found myself doing a mini. I didn't do it long but as I remember my notes from my M & B book I started to breathe deeply in through my nose and out through my mouth and I felt better. So I think it's gonna work.

Doing this program has taught me a lot. Number 1: I am NOT crazy. I'm not. Thank God I am not! Whoo hooo!!!

Did you know that infertile women are significantly more depressed than their fertile counterparts? Their depression and anxiety levels are equivalent to women with heart disease, cancer or HIV (Domar, Zuttermeister & Friedman, 1993). Multiple studies on women with infertility found the prevalence of depressive symptoms worrisome with research indicating that up to 11 % of women meet the criteria for a current major depression episode.

Wow. I'm not crazy. Do you know how utterly alone and disembodied I have felt from life during all this? I would think I was not handling it well and that other people did such a better job than I. I would berate myself as my sister and friend's walked around pregnant or with young babies. I would literally grieve everymonth as I sat waiting for that ugly old hag to show. But this is normal to my circumstance.

Normal? Normal? Well I can't say I'm normal. I doubt I'm there yet :) but perhaps I am on my way? Perhaps I came a step or two closer today? I think I did. Maybe a baby step or two but definitely a step. And a step forward at that. That's a peaceful, relaxing thought in and of itself.

October 11, 2006 - 2006-10-11
Back from Vacation - 2006-07-18
July 3, 2006 - 2006-07-04
Parenting is Hard - 2006-06-30
Update June 23, 2006 - 2006-06-23